By Lucy Newmyer, ICGS Special Projects Intern and graduate of Miss Porter's School

In our fourth episode of this season and final episode of this season of “The Connected Girl,” we unpack the experiences that affect girls at home. The average child will have spent only around 9% of their life in school by the time they turn 18. That leaves a significant amount of time for caregivers to shape their children’s values and mindsets in the home. Dr. Katie Hurley, Vice President of Community Initiatives at The Jed Foundation (JED), joins host Trudy Hall to discuss how families can influence girls’ confidence, communication, mental health, and sense of self. Below are key takeaways from their conversation.

A girl’s home should be her ultimate safe space. But even in an environment free from fear or judgment, girls are often socialized to be polite, respectful, hardworking, and to always listen to authority. Most girls don’t learn how to say “no” or to set boundaries at a young age. Dr. Hurley, a psychotherapist who has authored five books at the intersection of youth, parenting, and mental health, encourages parents to think critically about how they talk to their girls.  

For Dr. Hurley, it’s all about empowerment. Parents can let girls know early and often that they’re allowed to say no to things that make them uncomfortable or that they don’t want to do. Setting boundaries about how they spend their time is just as important, too. Learning how to “protect their downtime” and entertain themselves in the face of boredom are important parts of self-discovery.  

When encouraging girls to set boundaries, particularly in school, adults must remember that there is nearly always a power differential between the girl and the person she’s speaking to. It is therefore unreasonable to ask girls to advocate for themselves every single time. Instead, Dr. Hurley suggests practicing “co-advocacy” – rather than advocating for girls, parents can advocate with them. This may look like helping them practice a difficult conversation ahead of time or being physically present while they advocate for themselves, even if the parent says nothing or waits outside the room.  

Girls’ nonverbal behaviors can be shaped at home, too. Dr. Hurley explains that while girls have been outperforming boys in the classroom since the 1930s, boys have been outtalking and out-posturing girls in the same time frame. Girls are often rapt with attention, looking ahead, and taking more notes, yet they are less inclined to voluntarily answer teachers’ questions. Teaching girls “assertive nonverbal communication” – eye contact (or, if that is too stressful, looking off to the side at the speaker’s ear), standing up straight, and uncrossing arms – can boost their confidence and resilience.  

Girls are often taught to be demure, so ‘look down, look like you’re listening, respond when you’re spoken to.’ That’s not how we teach boys,” Dr. Hurley states. Parents can, instead, teach girls to take up space “out of the gate!

When girls face conflict, some parents have trouble deciphering when it’s time to jump in versus when it’s better to “get out of the way.” Dr. Hurley has a simple solution: ask, “Do you need support or solutions?” Most of the time, girls will ask for support. They want a listening ear as they talk themselves through their frustrations, and they can usually solve most of their own problems. Caregivers can guide girls toward solutions while still letting them lead the conversation.  

No matter what values a girl has at home, though, she will inevitably encounter people who were raised in different ways. Dr. Hurley encourages caregivers to explore what it means to be “assertive in a self-care capacity,” to listen as a sounding board, and to make peace when they do “miss the mark.”

We have to learn to decenter ourselves as they do the work of navigating these tricky situations. And we’ve got to be there to just be the soft landing when they fall…all we can really do is open our arms, listen, and hug them through it.

Dr. Hurley offers further wisdom for caregivers, including:  

• When you ask girls to do something that they’re reluctant to do, talk about the why of your request.
   
• Rather than framing household work as “chores,” for example, encourage children to be “helpers.” “Since we all live here, we all pitch in!”
   
• Bring back family time – through board games or a pizza and movie night – as well as casual playdates where girls have time for unstructured play with friends.
   
• Encourage girls to have “social mentors,” or girls slightly older who have been through similar experiences. These role models can listen and empathize.
   
• It’s important to talk about mental health issues, including suicide. “Each time we talk openly and honestly with them, we help them to figure out a different solution to their problem.”
   
• Make perfectionism uncool! “It is not cool to try to be perfect. It is anxiety.”  

In an increasingly challenging world, raising girls is no easy task. Girls will face conflict, disappointment, and uncertainty as they grow. But by encouraging assertiveness and honest conversation, caregivers can help girls build the resilience and agency they need to confidently tackle the obstacles that may come their way.  

Lucy Newmyer is an undergraduate foreign affairs, public policy, and psychology student at the University of Virginia. She began working with ICGS in 2023 and, as a Special Projects Intern, supports the Coalition team through research, writing, and outreach. Lucy is a graduate of Coalition member Miss Porter’s School, where she learned firsthand the impact of an all-girls education. Through her time in the Global Studies Certificate program at Porter’s, she developed a passion for advocating for girls’ education and health. Her interest in attaining a global education most recently led her to study abroad programs in Meknes, Morocco and Copenhagen, Denmark. Outside of class, she is involved in student journalism and initiatives related to civil discourse. She also serves as a mentor and tutor for middle school girls. Lucy strives to bring optimism, dedication, and curiosity to all she does. She is grateful for the opportunity to contribute to ICGS, an organization that enables girls to grow and thrive every day.