By Lucy Newmyer, ICGS Special Projects Intern and graduate of Miss Porter's School

In our second episode of this season of “The Connected Girl,” host Trudy Hall invites Rebecca “Bec” Sparrow to discuss friendship and the foundational role it plays in girls’ lives. Hailing from Brisbane, Australia, Sparrow is a writer, speaker, podcaster, and a passionate advocate for prioritizing connection and belonging in an increasingly lonely world. She has been dubbed “the friendship whisperer” and believes strongly in the idea that friendship can be taught. Read ahead for tips from their conversation on how to lead the girls in your lives toward flourishing friendships.

“Out of all of the decisions that I could make when I was at school, I made a really, really smart decision with the biggest decision, which is who I chose to hang around” – Bec Sparrow  

Girls Leadership has reported that girls often feel shame and self-blame as a result of their unrealistic beliefs about friendship. As Hall stated, for many girls, “When a friendship ends or changes, it might feel like the end of the world.” In recent years, the prevalence of social media has only complicated the landscape of friendship.

Friendship is an important part of girls’ identities as they grow up. Sparrow refers to friendships as the “bumper bar on your car” – an important protective factor to increase resilience and boost mental health. As girls gain independence and move toward adulthood, friends can help them work out who they are, giving them the opportunity to try on different identities, have varying opinions, and partake in new activities.

Luckily, friendship can be taught. Adults can help the girls in their lives build and sustain friendship connections, create healthy boundaries, and be mindful of the small moments from which the best friendships can flow.

For parents, key takeaways include:  

• The key to teaching friendship may be less about starting the conversation than modeling it. It is critical that adults both have friends in their lives and talk about those friends in a positive way. Cultivating a caring attitude in your child can be as simple as suggesting she invites the new student in class over for a playdate.
   
• Girls’ friendships can only be as healthy as their boundaries are. Boundaries impact every aspect of our lives, from our conversation topics and activities to our privacy, time, and energy. Teaching girls how to advocate for themselves and express a boundary in a kind but calm and direct manner will help them maintain healthy friendships. Learning to set boundaries will pay off when they begin dating and enter the workforce, too.
  
  Girls can set boundaries by saying things like “I don’t like going on roller coasters,” “I cannot do a FaceTime call with you at 11 PM,” or “I’m not okay with you looking through my phone or going through my school bag” to their friends or siblings. 
   
• Parents can learn a lot by asking, “What are the unspoken rules at school?” Girls may be governed by social “rules” about what types of uniforms they should wear, how to wear their hair, where they can sit, and who they’re allowed to be friends with.
  
  Look out for red flags such as groups with a clear leader and rules or groups who deal with conflict by excluding people.
   
• Stories are a great way to navigate friendship. Reading fiction grows our empathy muscles, and books with a friendship theme help girls explore the challenges and issues that come up in friendships. After all, “it’s hard to hate people up close.”
  
  For primary or elementary school children, Polly and Buster by Sally Rippin is a great place to start. Girls in middle school may be interested in Raymie Nightingale by Kate DiCamillo.

The most common questions Sparrow receives from girls are:  

1. How do I find friends? How do I find more friends? 
2. How do I know if my friends really like me? How can I trust my friends? 

For girls looking to build and strengthen their friendships, Sparrow recommends:  

• Put your interests on display! The first foundation of friendship is having something in common. If you love Taylor Swift, put a sticker on your laptop! If you love the Chicago Bulls, carry around a branded water bottle. You’ll automatically connect with like-minded fans.
   
• Remember that you must also have shared values. Great friends want what is best for you – they’ll clap when you win, show up for you when you’re down, and be consistently reliable.
   
• One simple word can offer a strong response to mean comments: “Ouch.” “Ouch” communicates that feelings were hurt and boundaries were overstepped, without creating further drama.
   
• Join clubs and teams at school. This is especially useful for children with a hyperfocus on a specific topic. For example, if you know all there is to know about Harry Potter, that knowledge will be really valued in the Harry Potter club.
   
• Belong to things outside of school, too. School is a bubble, and even in the best friendships at school, things can go wrong. If that happens, it’s great to have friends you can turn to from your church group, drama club, or your extended family, for example.

Friendship is not always easy, but it can be one of the most important and gratifying aspects in girls’ lives. We can and should equip girls with the tools to build healthy, respectful, and meaningful friendships.

“Being part of a community makes me feel connected and supported. It reminds me that I am not alone, and that we grow stronger together.” – Member School Student

Lucy Newmyer is an undergraduate foreign affairs, public policy, and psychology student at the University of Virginia. She began working with ICGS in 2023 and, as a Special Projects Intern, supports the Coalition team through research, writing, and outreach. Lucy is a graduate of Coalition member Miss Porter’s School, where she learned firsthand the impact of an all-girls education. Through her time in the Global Studies Certificate program at Porter’s, she developed a passion for advocating for girls’ education and health. Her interest in attaining a global education most recently led her to study abroad programs in Meknes, Morocco and Copenhagen, Denmark. Outside of class, she is involved in student journalism and initiatives related to civil discourse. She also serves as a mentor and tutor for middle school girls. Lucy strives to bring optimism, dedication, and curiosity to all she does. She is grateful for the opportunity to contribute to ICGS, an organization that enables girls to grow and thrive every day.