By Lucy Newmyer, ICGS Special Projects Intern and graduate of Miss Porter's School

In our third episode of this season of "The Connected Girl," we turn to a question that many parents and educators are quietly asking: how can girls thrive in a world that seems to demand everything from them?

Host Trudy Hall is joined by Stephen P. Hinshaw, Distinguished Professor of Psychology at UC Berkeley and Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at UC San Francisco. They examine the “Triple Bind” that girls find themselves in, and how modern culture has exacerbated it.

Read ahead for key takeaways from their conversation, including how to alleviate some of the pressure put on girls.

Hinshaw introduced the Triple Bind theory in his 2009 book The Triple Bind: Saving Our Teenage Girls from Today’s Pressures. He posits that modern adolescent girls face an impossible situation in which they are expected to

1. be nurturing caregivers,
2. succeed as competitive students and athletes, and
3. do it all effortlessly while looking attractive.

It is physically and psychologically impossible to do all three of those things at once. For girls who “buy into” the Triple Bind, which is pervasive even in modern feminist societies, not being able to check off every box can lead to feelings of insecurity, shame, and failure.  

In the 17 years since Hinshaw’s book was published, the Triple Bind has continued to put immense pressure on girls. Such pressure was intensified by the COVID-19 pandemic, which led to particularly bad outcomes for youth educational attainment and mental health. After six years, young people’s mental health has hardly “bounced back”; a recent CDC report found that 30% of girls in the United States had seriously considered ending their lives and felt a sense of daily despair.  

The growth of social media—particularly “comparative” social media—has further deepened the effects of the Triple Bind for girls.

The idea that “I’ve got to be relentlessly a girl and competitive, and I’ve got to look a certain way doing it” is being reflected “like a mirror constantly in front of your face,” Hinshaw explains.

Girls who are struggling may exhibit certain behaviors before they share them vocally. Hinshaw warns parents and educators to look for signs such as:  

• Losing interest in things that used to be interesting 
• Wondering if there is a sense of purpose in life 
• Consistently lacking sleep   

Addressing the reality of the Triple Bind in the lives of girls requires systematic change at different levels. Hinshaw discusses: 

Changes in policy and society: Organizations in the United States should enforce the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). We can encourage a different set of attitudes about behavioral and emotional diversity.  

Changes in education: Rather than focusing on grades and perfection, schools should focus on critical thinking. Allowing college courses to be taken on a pass-fail basis, for example, reduces the pressure of perfection and allows for deeper learning. “We learn through making mistakes,” Hinshaw states, and “if we have to be perfect all the time and achieve it, we don’t really learn anything other than a kind of false idol of perfection.”    

Changes within families: Parents can get wrapped up in their daughter’s perfectionism, too. This can lead to trouble. Children are keen observers who pick up on what (and whom!) their parents value. It’s important to build a foundation of family togetherness. The types of shared activities will be different at different ages, but they are always important. Having regular rituals and shared mealtimes can build trust among family members and allow parents to listen to signs of trouble.   

Hinshaw and Hall also discuss the importance of friendship. Luckily, a solid friendship or two can outweigh the general peer reputation a girl has. But friendships can’t be built online. Social media can be a tool to maintain existing in-person connections, but only having friends online can lead to the continuation or onset of depression and anxiety. 

Finally, Hinshaw and Hall turn to the “pushback” of adolescence. Hinshaw explains that adolescence is evolution’s way of saying “I’ve reached or am reaching physical maturity. I need to go out in the world and find relationships and procreate and have an independent life.” The problem is that puberty happens earlier than ever, while schooling expectations and the Triple Bind are “rearing their heads,” and there are many years to go before girls can attain true independence.

But Hinshaw believes that even when a girl has rebuffed her parents, she may be looking for their availability. When they least expect it, she may reach out. But if they’ve tuned her out because she’s seemingly tuned them out, “it’s a lost cause.”  

For parents handling the tensions of adolescence, Hinshaw recommends:  

• Try to avoid intrusive conversations and pressing for details your daughter is not willing to give. 
• Stay actively attuned and ask neutral questions. Gently inquire – “I’m available if there’s something going on!” – and girls will pick up on your openness.  
• Remember to give yourself grace, learn from your mistakes, and make use of apologies, just as we ask girls to do.

“Admit mistakes, be real, be sensitive, and those are the types of things your daughter will model as she grows up too.”  

Girls today are growing up in a world that asks a lot from them, but there is cause for hope. When girls feel valued for who they are, they begin to build a sense of self that can withstand the pressures around them. With supportive relationships and true connection, space to make mistakes and to rest, and the reassurance that they don’t have to be perfect, girls can move forward with confidence and resilience.

Lucy Newmyer is an undergraduate foreign affairs, public policy, and psychology student at the University of Virginia. She began working with ICGS in 2023 and, as a Special Projects Intern, supports the Coalition team through research, writing, and outreach. Lucy is a graduate of Coalition member Miss Porter’s School, where she learned firsthand the impact of an all-girls education. Through her time in the Global Studies Certificate program at Porter’s, she developed a passion for advocating for girls’ education and health. Her interest in attaining a global education most recently led her to study abroad programs in Meknes, Morocco and Copenhagen, Denmark. Outside of class, she is involved in student journalism and initiatives related to civil discourse. She also serves as a mentor and tutor for middle school girls. Lucy strives to bring optimism, dedication, and curiosity to all she does. She is grateful for the opportunity to contribute to ICGS, an organization that enables girls to grow and thrive every day.